THE EFFECT: THE SERIES
The Effect The Series Chapter 15: Taking control of my life
I decided to close my mouth just because I didn't want to quarrel with them. On the day I brushed my mother's hand away from me how sad was the expression on that mother's day that is the day I had never forgotten.
I tried very hard to control my symptoms and words because I didn't want to get back to that point. Another point that hurt my mother's heart just this, the mother and father have to spend a lot of money and time to treat many unproductive child.
"I forced my mother to see a doctor, right? Are you sick like me?”
"Don't think about anything else. Just try to improve yourself. Take the medicine on time and listen to doctor right? Right now, our duty here is the best. Mother will definitely be very happy.”
Used to believe that if I stay quiet, then everything would be better, but it turned out that I was wrong the more I don't speak, it seems to be making mother more anxious. To the point that my mother had to be the same person who saw a doctor at the psychiatric department too.
When I came out to receive the medicine, I saw the doctor call my mother to go to talk with him personally. I sat there waiting in the same chair, drowning in my own mind, without knowing how long the mother would disappear into that room. I was Ina daze again till when my mother stopped at my side with a gesture of trying to force me to smile and said "Let's go home child"
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"Energetic you, I don't know what I should do. You won't talk to me.”
"So what happened?"
"I don't know. The child suddenly stopped talking to me."
"Calm down, would you like me to talk to him? Want to switch me to be at home to watch the child?”
It's an image I’ve never seen before. Picture of a father and mother crying in their bedroom. The willingness to apologize for causing them suffering is causing me to see this picture with my own eyes.
The apology was swallowed back to the neck. I walked back to my room and waited for the two of them to walk to me. And then as expected it only took a moment and I heard a knock on the door in front of the room. Then the father came to me and sat down in the chair
"Hey, we got the news now. I will start acting as messenger, why won't you talk to your mother?"
"I ... I"
"And can I tell father what happened?"
I sat down and remained silent until I began to feel annoyed by myself. But no matter how long the time passed, my father did not rush an answer from me.
Over time until I thought that I was ready, I looked up to look at the person in front. Saw that my father still wore my work clothes and waited for an answer from me, which was comfortable all day at home "Do you know that the person who can improve it has to start with you yourself?" The doctor's words sounded in his head.
"I just ... I don't want you to feel burdened. I want to do anything by myself. I don't want to feel worthless. In the past, I knew I was wrong, but I, I ... I didn't want to feel that way. I want to be valuable again. Father... Shin wants to be valuable again.”
My father didn't hug me, knowing that I wasn't able to touch the man, so he slowly moved his hand to hold my hand. Waiting until I stopped sobbing, Father gradually speak to with what he understood.
"Throughout the years, no one in this house has seen you child as a burden or an incompetent person. Children are always the most valuable thing for parents.”
"But mom ..."
"We have to take care of our child closely, like the child who is not yet grown. Just now, the child is sick, but when the trouble disappears. My son will be able to return to life as before. To be free like the man before.”
"Father .... I'm sorry"
"Never mind"
"Mom ... Is his mother angry at me?"
"Your mother has never been angry with you. Father can confirm this for your mother. Because children are children forever, it's alright. We have to go through this together. Father is confident that my son will be able to do it.”
"Thank you"
"Don't forget to talk to your mother like this, son"
"Yes"
I moved myself out of the room and asked to sleep in the middle of my parents' bed. Acting like myself as a young child again throughout the night before I closed my eyes, I kept talking and apologizing to my parents. And both parents didn't feel bored of having to repeatedly say to me, "its okay" as well
Although I didn't say it, I made a promise to myself that after tonight I would be a new person, an open person, obedient to the doctor and strict observance. And try to get through here for everyone and above all ... For myself
After that night I changed myself in great way. I cooperated with the doctor, did as the doctor said everything, so now I can start walking into the crowd again after having to stay at home all the time.
"Are you ready?"
"Ready"
I've only tried going to the bus and the electric train alone in order to get into contact with people. That day I couldn't do it. I was fainting and vomiting. In just a few minutes, I had to hurry to insert myself to request the bus stop on the next sign.
But today I can do it. I won't faint or feel uncomfortable. Even though the first step on the car, I will have shortness of breath, but I can adjust the breath to be the same again.
"Very good, very good. You can do it."
The next step that I started to practice was taking a taxi by myself. In the beginning, I did not do well because it was just one-on-one with a stranger. I am always asking him to stop down the road.
But lately, I was able to stay on that car until I reached home. Even though my back was full of sweat and my hands were crumbling until I got tired, but at least I didn't ask to get the road like before.
And today I stepped to the next level by selling snacks that my mother sells to sell at the flea market plus, it will be the first time that I can talk to a lot of people.
"How did Pramote come?"
"Came and he wanted to cheer you up in case you run away before the stuff runs out. Mother will have someone to help.”
Even though I have dropped off from the university, but with Pramote, he still comes to talk and we talk to each other regularly. Pramote is the person who made me understand that it is not everyone who will not listen to me, do not understand me. Pramote makes me learn the most valuable thing that is "In this world, there is someone who is ready to stand by us with understanding with the word true friend, with the word friend”
"Or I will come to eat free snacks, then talk."
"Do not know much to talk about."
In the end, today's event went well. I didn't run back home first, although I sometimes saw people dressed up like those at the university, but I was still able to control myself or keep my feet still. When I returned home, I quickly told my father what I could do.
"Very good, you are your father's child. Like this, Father has to wait for you to go home yet? Are you going to escape?”
"You don't have to work overtime."
"Father, mom, can I have one more request?"
"Hi, this time, where else will you go to test your courage? Or whether are actually going to escape like father said”
"I ... Want to help Aphut with his job"
"I don't think you're better for that," said Pramote, who was asked to come home for the dinner, he hurry up before my parents said anything.
"But I want to try ..."
"Yes, father, mother"
Helping the elders to talk, sit beside, play, and listen to stories from children who have been sexually abused as well as me. Before getting to know the project, I never thought that there would be a lot of people who were sexually abused, especially boys who were no less than girls.
In Aphut's project, in addition to sexually abused children, there are many other children participating and receiving treatment for the cyberbullying.
Because I had a choice, I chose this group because this is the group that I want to help to look after the most. Thankfully, Aphut also seems to agree to let me start with this group as well.
"Can I ask a reason?"
I know why no one wants me to go because everyone is afraid that I will go back to the same way again and relapse. Because before I can pass the worst point and stand there, I had to spend almost two years for that.
"I'm fortunate to have both parents and Pramote who understand me and are always there to help, but the children, the doctor and Aphut said that they have to fight alone. I therefore want to help them.”
"So, if you really want to go, Mother has a condition."
"Yes?"
"Every time you think you can’t take it call mother or father and a friend every time and have to hurry to tell parents and we will come to take you home immediately”
"Yes, I agree"
"So then agree accordingly."
"Thank you, parents ..."
"Thank you Pramote"
"For what?"
"For everything."
THE EFFECT: THE SERIES
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