THE EFFECT: THE SERIES
The Effect The Series Chapter 14: Craving for the forever sleep
"You should tell your mom"
"I promise that I will tell, but only if I am ready.”
Pramote tried to repeat the words for me to tell that story to my mother. I promised to prevent Pramote from telling me again, in truth, I never had the idea to talk about it at home.
After I got out of the hospital, I secretly went on a break from school without telling anyone at home. The only person who knew the story was Pramote. It's not that I want to tell him, but I have to agree because he accidentally came to see me with a letter that said that I was suspended from school.
During the first time I didn't go to study, I went to university with Pramote as usual. Only Mote would let me sit down to the coffee shop in the mall to wait for him. Wait until Pramote finishes school and we can return home at the same time.
"You still keep coming out because you haven't told them at home, right?"
"I'm looking for opportunities."
But lately, Pramote said that he will not help me to lie anymore by accepting him to take me and take me anywhere. That made me have to stay at home. So I ended up with an excuse that I didn't have school.
"Don't you have a class today? Shin?"
"No"
"It's been a few days now."
"..."
"So does Shin wants to go to work with mother?"
"Mom ... Has to go to work, right?"
That's right. If I stop, then it means that someone must stop to be my friend with me at home. How did I forget this?
"No, Mother's job is not in a hurry."
"So ... No."
"Shin, is it good to drive a car during school holidays? In case of a day where you want to go without Mote, you can go.”
"..."
"Shin, can you hear me?"
"..."
"Shin"
Pretty
I brushed my mother's hand ,which was about to pat my body by mistake, my mind was vacant, I was thinking of other things. When my eyes glanced at the hand of the mother who was reaching me, it shocked me.
"I'm sorry"
I didn't intend to make it out in this way. Didn't want to hurt mother's feelings because I was able to see how much my mother had hoped for me.
"Shin still taking the medicine as prescribed by the doctor?"
"Yes."
I lied again. Both study and medicine, I stopped taking both for a long time So long that I didn't think I needed it again. I'm not sick, I came out of the hospital why would I want it?
Mother began to pretend to ask me more questions. So I escaped from the truth by getting to my room and keeping myself in there. By reading the paper that I drafted about the event
I spent the rest of the day thinking. I think how the story that came out like this, it was none other than the wrong person who was the bad guy. It was me who was wrong. It all started with me. Therefore, without me, these stories will end Pramote didn't have to wait to pick me up. If I wanted to go to university again. Parents will be able to return to life again. And finally, I would be able to get out of this state
"Shin Shin, son. Open the door for mom."
I felt like I could hear the sound from afar. It came out of my mom's bedroom, right? I smiled at the image in front. The face of a mother running towards me. Mother always tried to be like this. Was she the first person who always came to me? Does she know that I love you the most in the world?
"[Scream] Shin! Mother! Baby! Shin!! "
Mother pulled the clothes in the closet to bind my wrists. I took the opportunity that my mother was getting close to me and held my hand. Before I had to disappear from here before that I have to make sure my mother was relieved from having a baby like me
"... Mother... I apologize ... Everything Shin has done, to the story that Shin is a loser.... Tell father that Shin apologizes for everything.”
The smell of blood flowing from my wrist after I decided to end all problems by slipping the glass down to the wrist, at first those smells smelled fishy. But just when the mother opened the door, the fishy smell of the blood suddenly disappeared. Now I can only smell my mother. The smell that I was familiar with instead.
Mother, don't worry. From now on, Shin will not do anything to make you distressed anymore. Mom, no need to come back to take leave from work or father leave work for Shin again.
Today, Shin is a good child for parents, but Shin promises that if Shin has a chance to become your child again in the next life. Shin will be a better child to be proud of.
The mother's voice spoke a lot without knowing it, but I was unable to find out about it or capture it. Also, I'm very sleepy right now, which is a very good thing. Because from the first day that the story occurred to this day, there was no day that I could close my eyes to sleep for a full night. From today onwards, I can sleep as I wish. I miss my long sleeps.
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"Mom"
The first time I opened my eyes, woke up again at the hospital. I try to tell myself that this is a dream. It's not true that I'm still here. But then I had to admit the truth when I turned to the left and saw my mother lay on the edge of the bed beside me with my father who was sleeping on the sofa.
Why? Why? I've never accomplished anything I set out to do. Just to stop being a hindrance for everyone, I still can't do it. Just to end my own life, I can’t get what I want
"Wake up, baby?"
"Yes"
"Shin, do you want to eat. Do you want to drink?"
I shook my head as an answer to my mother. I don't want anything. What I want what I want is something that I just did not accomplish.
"...... Mom, can't you let Shin just die?”
"Shin son ... Why are you saying this? Shin doesn't love mom anymore?”
"And father, Shin, don't you love me?"
"Love ... Yes"
"So don't say this again, son. Don't say this again.”
It didn't take long, the wounds on my wrists that spread long until they had healed. On the day the doctor allowed me to go home, I was immediately referred to a doctor from the psychiatric department.
"I'm still not well, right? So I have to be here?"
"Not at all, not at all"
The doctor said that what I was thinking right now is a by-product of other diseases. I am currently classified as a panic attack that has developed into a depression.
Before, I didn't have to undergo medication for depression. But now the doctor sees that it is time to prescribe medication to me to prevent this kind of catastrophic incident.
My mother decided to quit her job immediately after I received a diagnosis from the doctor. Right now, in my house, there is only one left of the pillar of the house.
Many times I saw father come home with more tired conditions. Although father smiled at me, it was a tired smile. Father started to do more overtime at the company and ready to do everything to advance to a bigger position. With the aim of having a higher salary
Personally, I must finally admit to confessing to my home that I dropped out because I didn't think I could go to sit at the same university. When both the parents listened to the reason from my mouth, they both led to permanently dropping out the next day.
Although I stopped to study, but I started online (Distance learning) by the advice of Aphut. And I believe that it is probably the best way to study for me.
..................................................................................
"Mom, I can sit alone in my room."
"It's okay, son. Let mom sit as a friend better in case Shin wants something.
I admit that I am still unable to adjust and feel uncomfortable with a mother waiting on me. Keep an eye on my actions all the time. It's not that I have a secret that I can't let my mother know about, but my mother's actions reinforce that I am an incompetent person and that I am a burden.
"Mother will can I go out in front of the village."
"What are you going out to do?"
"Go out to buy food."
"What do you want to eat? Tell your mother. Mom will go out to buy.”
"I want to go out to see by myself."
"Wait a moment, baby. Mom went to change clothes for a moment. After that, the mother will go as a friend.”
"But I want to go out alone"
"Wait a moment, baby."
"Mother I am a grown up."
"But mother is worried"
"I'm not a child and you neer listen to me sometimes"
"Child listen to mother."
This incident did not occur for the first time. Ever since returning home, my mother has never allowed me to go anywhere alone. When I go into the bathroom or bedroom for a long time, my mother keeps calling me all the time.
I tried to tell my mother to trust that I would not do anything that would make her concerns again. But it seems that my words will not reach my mother that was the point that made me stop talking. Stop explaining myself.
From speaking less with mother inadvertently my mother and I became mute to each other. Day by day, the conversation between me and my family has become less and less. In the dining table, aside from the sounds of spoons and forks that hit the plate there is almost no sound at all. Although all day we sit together, but we do not know when we use the sound of television to break the silence instead of talking.
THE EFFECT: THE SERIES
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