My Accidental Love is You, Chapter 80: Experiencing the bitterness of parting from the end of the world

My Accidental Love is You 《รักนี้บังเอิญคือคุณ 》Rak Ni Bang-oen Khuo Khun
My Accidental Love is You, Chapter 80: Experiencing the bitterness of parting from the end of the world

Ae
Hoo-hoo!


"Uncle Ae, Uncle Ae, there's a gray machine! Gray machine! Wow ~ "

"Well, it's a plane, little Yim."

"A plane this small is only as small as my finger." Little Yim says this because she is holding up her thumb and forefinger to the sky at the one that is flying over because the roof was paddled with glass. So, Ae picked up his niece, who was in kindergarten, and asked her to reach out and try to "catch" the plane.

"Actually, this plane is pretty big, little Yim. Big enough to fit you and your uncle and your daddy-mommy."

"Wow! Airplanes are awesome yo, they can take me to many, many places." I held my niece aloft and then kept spinning her in place and she let out a loud, clear, pure laugh. But then I said to my niece...

"But Uncle hates airplanes."

"Why? Uncle, you can't hate airplanes yet." Little Yim looked down at me and I put her hand down holding her up so she could touch my face.

"Airplanes took the most important person in my life to a place far, far away, so I hate them."

"Uncle, gee, don't cry."

When my niece said this to me well, I just knew I couldn't help but cry already. Little Yim wiped my tears with her little hand under my eyes and comforted me with a very young voice.

"Uncle Ae, don't cry oh, I hate airplanes too, and I'm going to hate airplanes with Uncle Ae. Airplanes are big bad, and they make Uncle Ae cry, and I'm going to knock it bad." I saw her get anxious for me and managed to laugh, then I said to her in a soft voice.

"Yes, the plane is a big badass." I really agree with my niece on that one.

"Little Yim, go take a shower now." Just as Little Yim was about to continue comforting me, my sister-in-law with a five-month belly came out of it and called out to Little Yim. I had to Put little Yim down and let her run over to her mommy.

"Mommy, Mommy, airplanes are bad...airplanes make Uncle Ae cry and I'm mad." I wanted to laugh at how cute little Yim was acting. But then I felt like I couldn't lift my lips. I just locked eyes with my sister-in-law and her eyes were filled with regret and eventually, I turned my face away.

I don't want the whole family to worry about me.

"Go on, go on, Daddy's little beauty, go take a shower." My sweaty brother came out of the store, stroked little Yim's back with his hand, and then let her take mom's hand and went into the house to shower. Then he came over towards me.

"It's not manly at all to be seen weeping by your niece, Ae."

"Sorry brother...it's just...I don't know...my eyes have been shallow lately." I said to my brother like I was joking. But he looked up at me and then noticed the fading plane in the sky, so he pulled his eyes back to stare at me.

"It's not just lately, I guess, but our stubborn Ae has been shallow-eyed for months." I had to laugh a little.

Yes, Pete has been in Germany for three months.

The three months he was gone made me feel like I'd lost my life.

No matter where I went or what I did, I would see his handsome face come to life every time. I would see his smile, hear his voice, and see the tears that filled his eyes when he said he loved me. At that time I didn't even dare to go to his dormitory with his mother and Aunt Jiu to pack his things, that day I just sat by the court and felt that what held me and him was diminishing until it disappeared.

The phone number that used to be dialed every day is now just the sound of a machine that says "still no service".

Facebook, where he used to be seen posting heartwarming moments, is in ruins.

The dorm room that used to haunt him has become the next tenant's love nest.

His student status has been transferred to a university in Germany.

Tin hasn't kept in touch with Pete either, and Money was still screaming about where her darling Nong went...nope. People were able to contact him.

At first, everyone was on fire to find him, but as time went on until the end of the semester, all that was left about him was the silky strands of memories now.

Pete is moving away from my life, a little bit...a little bit...

Snap!

I tapped my brother on the shoulder as if to tell him to stop making fun of me. Then I still said in my own unique calm tone.

"I'll be fine soon lah, you should go worry about your wife, does your sister-in-law still find you boring."

"Hey, watch your mouth Ae. my kids are angels, so they don't like the smell of human sweat, not that my wife doesn't. Be careful I'll whip you later."

"Come on if you dare." I wasn't intimidated at all and posed to fight him and he waved.

"A gentleman uses his mouth and not his hands, by the way, are you going to play rattan ball tonight?" My brother switched to a topic that made me laugh.

"Can you do it, that belly of yours is getting so big lately, I'm afraid you can't even lift your feet."

"You actually underestimate me, I'll show you how good I am when the time comes...at least I'm a father of two." I nodded, promising to go to a game of rattan soccer with my brother when the time came. I was well aware that my brother was trying to comfort me, but he didn't just say it, telling me not to think about it or anything like that. He just promised to accompany me to do something I was interested in.




At first when Pete disappeared from my life, I had no desire to do anything at all. But when I told Pond I wanted to get drunk, the guy hooked me around the neck, dragged me to the football field, and told me I shouldn't let my emotions out at the bar and instead play a hearty game of football on the field, and finally you know what happened to me...our school team made it to the finals of the inter-school soccer tournament this year.

I don't know if it's because of Pond's words, but I think the way to get a restful night's sleep without nightmares is lots of exercises and draining myself to exhaustion.

I was so focused on kicking a soccer ball that I tried to gleefully kick a rattan ball, and I even signed up for a volunteer organization. I did everything I could to give myself no time to think about the things that were making me suffer inside, but...I didn't for a moment. No forgetting.

Every night before I go to bed, I look at the ring on my right ring finger, and it's as if Pete's gentle words still haunt my ears.

"But some people believe that a ring on the right ring finger is a sign that the person is not available or that someone is reserved...I believe that second story...you have reserved me oh Ae."

I saw his happy smile, I saw him touch the ring cherished, and I felt a tinge of guilt because I had bought him a very plain silver ring. Every time I get to the end...I somehow fall asleep in tears.

"Dwarf winter melon! We came to visit you!”

"What are you doing here? Trick or treat."

My family comforted me in one of those ways, while my good friends comfort me in another...they do their best to maximize the effort to run over here to disturb my peace and quiet.

Same today, though I just got back from working at the volunteer camp yesterday. But they came to my tiny home and camped in groups, bringing all kinds of stuff with them. Who are the leaders of this nonsense, needless to say... Pond and Sun.

"I hear you've been very sad lately."

"That's your opening line every time you come to my house, huh? It's the third time this month!” I turned around and gave the gossipy guy a scolding. I'll admit I was annoyed with him a few times, but he was also overly worried about me. Otherwise, he wouldn't have come over to my house so often during this holiday season.

"Come on, Shorty One, and you, Dear, Shorty Two...I want a drink."

"Are you okay! This sun's still overhead, you want to start drinking now?" Mai turned to see Dear holding a large pile of puffed food, meaning they'd be staying here late. Someone would be staying the night for sure, but most certainly not this Dear guy, because someone would pick him up as soon as it got dark.

"Shut up, you guys! They're all here, help work first, I've got a lot of work to do." I quickly gave them a head start, and Dior held the rim of his glasses.

"If I do, will your mom invite us to dinner? If it's not a good deal, I'm not going to bother moving a finger." That's how the man who likes to count his blessings responded to me, and I couldn't help myself.

"Pete used to help move stuff for free."

Stunned.

Not only was I taken aback, but even the guys were sitting there dumbfounded and looking over at me with an empathetic gaze. I had to shake my head.

"Okay, I'll talk to Mom later." I hurry back to the original topic.

"Hey! No, no, no. I was just kidding. What do you want us to do for you? Just say it, I don't want the free dinner. We're all brothers, what's the big deal about a little help?" It seems I was really embarrassed to get that big lazy Dior to actually volunteer to do free labor for me. As soon as he said that...

"It's nice to do a little physical work before the binge, so go ahead, I'm ready!”

"Hey, don't leave me behind, what can I do for you? I want to do exercise, I want abs!”

"Oh hey, Dear, do you want abs to seduce your husband? Looks like Alis is going to be charmed by you by then." When Dear was full of enthusiasm to help as well, Sun quickly interjected to make fun of him, and Dear gritted his teeth glared at Sun. Pond saw them gawking at each other and giggled.

"Dear's been ripped off again, you're a real live wire!” As soon as Pond finished, Dear stared at everyone in the room in anger, but when he saw me, it was with a smile on his face.

"As long as Ae laughs, then it's worth it for me to be a comedian gimmick." His words reminded me that I was laughing. I had to lift my hand and put it on my cheek to let my smile fade, then I told them...

"I'll go tell Mom and Dad first."

Snap!

"Oops!!” As I turned around and was about to head inside, I heard a loud noise, followed by Dear's yell.

"Do you want your husband to chase you with his big death knife by talking so much to Ae, let him keep laughing if he can and he is just going to tear your husband down!” Then I heard the others downright cursing as well, and I shook my head sadly, not sure why the mood was lighter.

I'm now beginning to believe that when we have troubles, we just need a good friend to make us feel better, and I And yet I have five such close friends...I must try to do my best not to worry more about them.

"Tanned, strong young man!!!”

I'm sitting on a bench downstairs in the college, surrounded by freshmen with notebooks asking the seniors to sign them. Suddenly a handful of voices that were an octave higher reached my ears through the blazing air, causing my face to ripple. When I turned to look I saw the graduated senior running towards me like a buffalo.

"I miss you so much... It's been 3-4 months since I've been back to college... Heavens mercy... Your pecs are even more developed than before... Let me touch them! Well!”

"It's just a cheeky katoey, ignore her! Who needs an autograph?"

POW!!!

"Stinker! Who's got the nerve! I'll fix you today! What is this, junior signing autographs for you? Get in line, all of you! Anyone who wants an autograph from this brawny lad, please do a song called "Disturbia" and then do the chicken roast for your sister, NOW! Or you can't expect to get autographs!” When I heard that from Money, my brow furrowed a bit... Money should be visiting the juniors this time. I'm not actually his junior because I'm not studying at an international college, and he ordered those nongs in a line in front of the bulletin board, and a few people actually listened to her.

"Jump up! Spin and jump with your eyes closed!”

"Oh you, I'm shy."

"All right then, you shyster, go find a boy to dance with you." I had to sigh when my right to sign autographs for others had become a powerful tool for the schoolgirls to get their hands dirty. It's not surprising that all these Nong girls came after me for autographs, since I was elected one of the "Three Good Students" this year and Pond also did that hazing instruction at freshman camp and he and he asked everyone to come get their autographs from me.




That's why I'm so tired.

'That way you won't have too much free time.'

I think that's enough of a burden on my life.

"By the way, what is the Phii doing here?"

"Of course I'm back to visit my nongs and teacher, seeing this sister, can you please act like you miss me!?" Sister Money's eyes are staring at the handsome nongs while her mouth is still answering my questions.

"Just come see the dudes and say so."

"Yes! This year's nongs are so handsome... Nong, give me a twerk. What kind of dance moves are you doing? That's it. Give me your... Wiggle your ass, wiggle it for me...girls don't need to wiggle!” I had to shake my head lightly as I looked at the funny schoolgirl in front of me, still with a slight smile on my lips. But when she said the following to me, I froze.

"Actually, I was going to come back for my cutest Nong, but he transferred to Germany and so I came to see you, charcoal-headed, it feels like I'm seeing Pete."

I was immediately startled, but the other person didn't notice the change in my expression. Because everyone who knew Pete only knew that he needed to transfer to Germany for some specific reason. Everyone assumed that Pete and I were still together because I was still wearing that ring, and I hadn't told anyone that we'd been Breakup.

"You miss him when you see me."

"It has to be! Love to the point of missing him, so how's Pete doing lately, and I haven't seen him update his Facebook?" I was at a loss for words, but luckily she was focused on those Nong of mine again, so I didn't notice my sixes and sevens Status.

It's also...almost eight months now.

"You're the only one, how narcissistic have you been lately? Posting pictures of yourself on your face every day, you big black face, if you have the guts to take off your clothes and take pictures again!” What Money says is also true, but I haven't gotten around to answering...

Snap!

"Aaaaahhhhh! Which slave is so bold as to cover this sister’s eyes!”

All of a sudden, Sister Money next to me yelled and I quickly turned around to look. Then I saw Pond appear out of nowhere, only to shield Sister Money's eyes with his hands, and then also her cheeks. Money immediately roared out like a gibbon in heat, and I quickly covered my ears with my hands...

"What's up, sis!”

"Aaaaahhhh! You, a married man, have actually defiled this maiden ice-clear little face!!!”

"Sister Money, we're not even married yet." It's not just Pond, it's also this Cha-am who hurried out to clarify. Pond quickly laughed at this heartless man, went back to hooking his girlfriend's neck and whispering to each other.

"Cha-am's face is much softer than yours, you should put on more cream sometime, sis ~ "

"Stinky Pond, you loser!”

"Is this a scolding? If I didn't know better, I’d think you were pampering me." I had to shake my head and then turn around to continue signing autographs for my swarming nongs. I took advantage of Phii Money's bickering with Pond and quickly signed for them. I'm a very approachable senior outside of training time, but in this camp, I can also transform into a demanding instructor.

After I'd signed almost 10 names, Pete's older sister had finished arguing with Pond, who turned around and proceeded to make big fat kinky comments.

Then, I had to sit there and sigh, looking at this guy who said he was back to visit his old friend at his alma mater, but came to the engineering school to fool around. I'm getting a splitting headache from his deafening voice.

"It's super funny, it contracted my laughs for the year."

"You're no slouch either, how dare you tease her."

"Geez, because it's super funny when giant demons ghost-wail, Cha-am." I think Pond's action is even more hilarious because he's putting his hands on his chest and his mouth is mimicking Sister Money's flabbergasted look.

"By the way, what is Sister Money doing back here?"

"Seems like he's back to visit his exams halls and nongs." I answered him based on what I knew, and then Pond was able to hit the nail on the head and poke at the truth every time.

"So what's she doing here, then? It's not like this is her faculty." I paused in thought for a moment, then answered calmly.

"She said she wanted to come back to see that dear Nong, but he wasn't there, so she had to come and see me."

Pond and Cha-am looked at each other without saying a word. I didn't say much about the fact that Pond had told his girlfriend about me. All this time he'd kept the secret between friends and not spread it among the college, and I was already thankful for that! Then I shook my head gently, and though the wind was calm on the surface, a tumultuous ripple had been stirred up inside.

"No need to look at me like that, I'm fine with it," I said as I picked up my phone.

"Ae, I'm asking you honestly, from the bottom of my heart." Suddenly Pond said to me in a serious tone and I had to look him in the eye.

"Do you miss him?"

""...I looked down at my own phone for a moment, feeling like I was thinking about how to answer him, and then I sighed. Finally, I looked up at my two friends in front of me, and then spoke to them in a normal tone of voice - while in reality my heart... It will never heal.

"If thoughts could kill, I'd have died tens of millions of times."

I answered him just like that, as if Cha-am wanted to try to comfort me as best she could, but couldn't. So I handed her the phone.

"Take a picture of me."

"Are you going to post pictures on Facebook again?" Cha-am asked me, but took the phone from my hand and took my picture for me.

"By the way, why do you post pictures every day?" Pond was the same gossip as always. I looked at the boy in the school uniform on my phone screen, the same as the picture I took yesterday. Then I stood up and faintly said...

"Because Pete felt aggravated that I didn't post many pictures earlier." That's all I said to him, and then I walked away. I know they should be very understanding of my seemingly pointless approach, and maybe they think it's too late, but I'm not. Think of it this way.

That Facebook account, with its record of our moments...the fond memories of that time...is still there, not yet abandoned.

I'm just hoping that he's still there, even though his account is no longer updated.

'Ae you don't even update Facebook much, do you?'

'I don't like taking pictures.'

'I just want to know what you've been doing.'

'Wasn't I telling you about it?'




The conversation was still swirling around in my head, and now I can't tell him about what happens to me every day. So I changed to posting photos on Facebook, along with just a few words. I don't care if my friends make fun of me for being narcissistic and actually post selfies every day, or come up to me and ask me how I suddenly like taking pictures. Because the person I most wanted to share my thoughts with is no longer with me.

I'll keep updating every day so he knows I'm doing well. I'm okay and I'm...still waiting for him.

No matter how futile it may seem to others, for me there is a layer of meaning in between that cannot be put into words.

Pete, how are you doing now? I can live alone, fine, but I've learned...when anyone tells me that he wants to help me with all my troubles, All it did was heal my wounds, but...never restored the wounds in my heart as they were.

Pete

"Phii Pete, I'm so happy today, a girl came over and confessed her love to me."

"Gee, my brother is so charming, he's only ten years old and already has several girls to confess his love."

"It's okay, I can't help it, who made me handsome?"

"Hahaha, you're handsome, you're the handsomest!”

It's getting warmer in Berlin in February. So, after saying goodbye to my classmates after class, I volunteered to Mrs. Su to pick up Alvin from the elementary school, so when Alvin saw me in front of the school, he flew over and squealed to me about the funny things that had happened to him at school, and I heard it and laughed.

"But this handsome is coming home too, and today your mom said she's going to cook Thai food for you oh."

"Wow! It's awesome!” Now Alvin speaks Thai very well. Maybe it's because I spend so much time with him, but I always speak half German and half Thai, so he has to be forced to speak Thai with me. At first he got angry and said it wasn't funny, but eventually, he did what I said, and now Alvin and I are getting to know each other very well.

"Let's go then."

"No more hand-holding Phii Pete, I'm all grown up!” The language issue is resolved, but this issue of him feeling grown-up is starting to give me a headache again.

"Brother look at you, aren't you cold in such little clothes? Do you want me to give you this thicker scarf?" Then this ten-year-old, who had grown incredibly tall, pulled the thin scarf off my neck and proceeded to pull off his own thick scarf gave me a scarf to put on it, and then I smiled like a burst of bright sunshine.

"Brother you are more likely to get sick, so dress warmly, okay? Or else you’ll wake up tomorrow morning sick as a weak, red-eyed bunny again." I couldn't help myself as I watched this ten-year-old child tell me this in an adult-like manner. I gladly accepted his scarf, though, and took him to the subway station. All the way to the station I was thinking about what he said...red-eyed bunny...

I'm not physically sick, I'm hurting in my heart...

When I first moved here, everything was torture for me. The weather, the accommodation, the school...so many factors made me want to escape back to Thailand in the first place. My father only allowed me to call my mom once a month, and while I could call secretly, I did as he told me.

Let's just do what he says, before he pulls another trick on our friends and family in Thailand.

And so the red-eyed bunny, as Alvin calls it, is actually the one that creeps out as I lie in bed at night and realize there's no way out. The look of a night of tears. I felt like I couldn't see any light at the end of the tunnel no matter which way I looked, but the people who supported and encouraged me through it all were my stepmom and my half-brother.

The two of them did everything they could to make me laugh, cook my favorite dishes, and take me on excursions to faraway places when my father was not available to discipline me.

I've been living here for a year now, and I've already been through the worst part of my life.

I wanted to thank them so badly that I tried my best to be a good boy and brother in return for how good they were to me...sometimes! I can't help but think.

Anyone who is not related to me by blood is better to me than my flesh-and-blood father.

"Today is a little more special than usual, oh Pete," Ms. Su came out of the kitchen as soon as I entered the house. My eyebrows went up, so I let my own stepmother pull me inside the dining room. Then I saw a cupcake in the middle of the dining table.

"What's happening? Whose birthday is it today?"

"What birthday, huh? It's the one year anniversary of your arrival here." Ms. Su said, smiling at me. I looked down at the beautiful cake in front of me and saw, "Happy First Anniversary" written on it, and I curled my lips up to reveal a grateful smile.

"Thank you! But later... Father..."

"Your father won't be back today, he's still in Switzerland," I breathed a sigh of relief and then sat down to enjoy the dinner their mother and son had prepared for me. I was talking under my breath to myself as I ate.

Has it been a year? Why do I feel like it's been ten years?

I'm thankful to them for making this year not a bad one, but I also apologize to them for not having a day of is living a very happy life.

After this little celebration was over, I went upstairs to my room - now sort of a haven for me. Then I turned on my computer, opened that URL like I usually do, and typed that line of rotten password in quick succession, then...I laughed.

"Ae had a good time today too," I said to myself, and then I reached my shaking hand towards the screen and touched the boy in the football uniform on top. Then I looked at the line of text at the bottom...

Victory today!

"Congratulations, Ae, on winning again." I whispered my congratulations to the photo, then moved my mouse to the photo album Ae had created a year ago. This photo album didn't feel like it was set up specifically for me at first. I was almost afraid to open Facebook when I first got here, because I was afraid of seeing some unacceptable images. But when I clicked on it, many of his photos caught my interest.

It's hot today!

Going to play with Dear and the others today.

Helping out around the house today.

Today is my niece's birthday.

Today my brother's second child was born.

Each sentence was short, but there was a lot of it, as if he was telling someone about the daily happenings. I knew right away that he was telling me, was going on in his life. Eventually, sitting quietly in front of the computer to see his status updates became my daily ritual. I looked at his pictures, stared into his eyes, gazed at his face, his smile.

There are 365 pictures in 365 days, and every time I see them, it brings tears to my eyes.

"Ae you don't do that..." is what I say, but every time I turn on my computer I'm hopeful.

It was less than ten minutes of happiness in my tortured everyday life... ten minutes as if I was still tied to him...

I was entranced by touching the ring on my right ring finger, a ring I never took off.

Ae said if I didn't love it anymore, I'd take it off and throw it away. But I don't even want to take it off, let alone take it and throw it away.

"Huh?" Suddenly, I saw something pop up on the screen...the song.

I saw what it was, but my trembling hand pushed the mouse to click in.

[Maybe it's love]

[Let me still stand here]




As soon as I heard the first few lines of the song, my tears had yadda yadda yadda on the keyboard. My ears were ringing with a lyric full of meaning and memories we share.

My incoming color ring.

The first song he ever sang to me.

The song from when he confessed to me.

He's also trying to tell me through...this song...that he still loves me.

"Oooh...Ae, you don't...do that...didn't you promise me that? I thought you promised...oooh..." and I lowered my head, letting the tears flow across my cheeks, trying to control my sobs as much as I could to keep myself from The crying was too loud. I cranked up the volume of the song so that it filled the entire bedroom, and I listened to it slowly, but my heart was already full of holes. Eventually, I mumbled under my breath.

"I...love you too...love you...oooh...all the time."

A year doesn't diminish our feelings for each other at all, but increases day by day. Sometimes I've started to hate myself.

Why do I love him so much, why is he still so good to me...why...we can't love each other.

"I love you Ae...love you."

Finally, at dawn, I was the red-eyed bunny my brother had been talking about again. I couldn't help but ask myself...when will this day-to-day misery end?



~~ My Accidental Love is You ~~



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